I went to the student loan website and my student loans were electronically transferred yesterday which means I should get them in a week or so here.
What will I do when I get back? Other things to hope for,other things to strive for and there's that sense that when you reach a goal you've wanted for some time there's a "what now"? Feeling,as I test all the resolutions I've made since and in a certain sense I don't worry...if I could keep everything even halfway together...school and work amidst shitty transit and all the whirling chaos vortexes in my brain,through this resigning to dissoluteness then anything else will be easy from here on out. But it seems so strange too..these few months have felt like forever and its hard to picture but atleast I don't have that numb terror that something with the loans will fall through and I wont be able to pull it off.
I go to Chicago tomorrow.This always fills me with excitement and a sort of...I dont know it isn't dread I dont know what you'd call it exactly...but just this sort of futility,I guess because it's sort of masochistic...a nice dose of something cool for my mental health and yet I always have to go back too soon...
But soon it will be for good...
And I suspect this just might be a "weird shit happens"weekend...
Today...
I started doodling sigils to pass the time at work,inventing things...astrological and qabbalistic significances painted as a sort of focal point and experimentation...names and I wonder when I 'll get that tattoo?I wonder why I drifted into this blurry magickal fog? Hell,its like my art and like my writing.The things most important to me and most necessary for my disposition get swept under the rug for these responsibilities,these things I am convinced are important or was convinced and not even that..because it drifts away and I decide to be"irresponsible"by studying magick,and creating art and doing the things truest to myself..whats wrong with having one foot in a fantasy world after all? You can't compromise yourself and I have to commit to something.
I have to start publishing my comic book and I need to start painting and try to do something with my art. Obviously, I'm not going to get anywhere by saying"this isn't practical"and taking a shot at a practicality that really isn't what I want anyways.
There's other kinds of responsibility...like the responsibility to yourself...to your muse...
It sometimes feels vacuous
The world seems so superficial sometimes...there's this whole physical appearance thing that has been taunting my brain taunting in that it means so little to me and is so entirely uninspiring..like I have a totally different value system from the rest of the universe....I just want to create...and I want to be around people who can stimulate that somehow or atleast have some sort of mindset that I couldnt practically visualuze being pumped out in a factory somewhere....sometimes...little things are said to me or looks walking into a room and I really dont understand all of it,stumbling into some crazed bee hive and all the bees are madly doing this thing where they just buzz frantically....the way that bees are right before they die like it cant do any good its nothingness with nothing underneath it,just something to busy the mind to keep it from thinking...I think Im allergic...